Hello everyone and welcome not just to a new( well relatively new) week, but also a new month and new quarter. Its also the beginning of the new school year and for some reason even though I left school a long while ago, the new academic year always leaves me with the feeling of a new season. Also for those of us in western climes, its getting closer to the Autumn( Fall in North America). Even though it’s no longer warm,autumn is my favourite season. Its not that cold and its not that hot and most importantly for hay fever sufferers like me , no more pollen! I absolutely love the colour of the leaves as they turn gold/yellow and begin to fall away. I am always thankful for new seasons and truly believe that even the ones that we tend not to celebrate all have their purpose. I will stop my autumn ramblings here but I hope one more person gets excited about it turning colder.

As I have shared in so many other of my posts, I am a naturally a very talkative person. As I grow older though I realise that one of the  biggest disadvantages of talking a lot is that listening often takes a back burner. And if I want to be a life long learner I realised that listening is a skill that I must master. Listening and listening well is often the precursor to learning new things. A lot of times we think being a good communicator is about how well we can speak and sell our thoughts and ideas to others. But in the true sense of it communication is two way , giving and receiving information. And to effectively receive information, truly listening and understanding what is being said must be prioritised.  Listening in the true sense of it  is often hampered by our cognitive biases and these biases often hamper how well we receive information.The  dictionary definition of a cognitive bias is;  a mistake in reasoning, evaluating, remembering, or other cognitive process, often occurring as a result of holding onto one’s preferences and beliefs regardless of contrary information.

The bolded part of the definition is what I believe is one of the major reasons why we don’t listen well.  A lot of times on certain issues, we are not listening to actually receive information but to respond as we have already made up our minds regarding a certain topic or issue. Now this is not say that listening well means that you will always agree with everything that you hear. It does not even mean that you will always learn something worthwhile. The point of listening well is to open up ourselves to the possibility that we might not  a)know it all  b) have missed an angle or point  c) be actually wrong? You might disagree with a person fundamentally over some issues and also what they stand for but are we disagreeing because we have taken the time out to actually listen or are we just disagreeing based on what we think of when we see them or think we hear when they speak?

Is there really anyone who is right all of the time? How many times have you listened or been involved in a conversation where you learnt that something that you had previously thought was true was actually false? I cant count how many times I have learnt something about or from  my children that I would have missed when I  just calmed down and actually listened to them. When I say ‘calm down’ I  actually mean that in a literal sense, as my default position (especially as I am the authority figure in that relationship)is to get them to listen to me. Not the other way round.

This was my prompt to write this post as I had one of such revelations this weekend. My daughter told me something that she had mentioned to me a lot of times but I had often brushed off because I really wasn’t listening to what she was saying. The default was ‘she is a child what does she really know about this issue?’

How often do we really listen to those who we have authority over?  And by listening I mean not just to respond but to actually asses what is being said. To digest it by resisting the urge to retort? To reflect and to think and take on board the validity of certain parts of the opposing opinion? To think about how the other party is processing or seeing the same thing maybe from a different angle or from their own perspective?

As I said it is something that we all struggle with and so I thought to share a few things that can help us listen well.

1.  To listen well we need to avoid/ minimise distractions: It is no coincidence that the day I was able to hold the conversation with my daughter and listen to what she had to say to me was the time I put my phone away. And before we demonise social media & screen time( and  I am  not saying they are not the greatest distraction of the modern world) distractions come in various forms.  How many times do we say ‘hello how are you ‘ at an event and are not even really listening to the reply  as our attention has shifted to another person across the room. Distractions come in various forms and it is one of the major things that hinders from us actually listening well. If you intend to learn from a conversation, it is worth making sure that you avoid or minimise distractions. I know  we women are proud of our multi tasking abilities, but if you want to really listen well, it might be best to  do one thing at time. The best conversations are those where all parties are fully present. So yes while I am not totally blaming our gadgets, it is a good idea to put away the phone when having that dinner or coffee, or listening to that sermon in church ,don’t read the  paper when talking to your wife etc.
2. Try not judge until comprehension is complete: We live in a world of snap judgments that has been exacerbated by the 140 character twitter world that we now live in.  A lot of times we stop listening before we even comprehend the full context of what we have just  heard. As soon as we hear a couple of things that seem ‘controversial’ or against what we know or believe,we immediately shut down and tend not engage some sort reflection before either agreeing or disagreeing with what has been said by the speaker. To be fair, we do hear a lot of words in the course of everyday life and it is highly unrealistic to expect that we will be able to comprehend every thing that we hear. However, the ability to learn and make rational decisions is often dependent on covering all bases. To effectively counter an argument, you need to understand what the actual argument is and that can only come from fully listening to ALL parts of the argument before coming to a conclusion.
3. Judge the message and not the messenger: How many times do we switch off from actually listening to something that we could actually learn from because of WHO is saying it. The bible is one of my favourite books and one of the wise sayings from Jesus was ‘ A prophet has no honour in his hometown’.  The people from his hometown failed to listen to his message as he did not fit the mould of who they thought a messiah could be. Now I agree that people’s precedents cannot be discounted and a lot of times a person’s reputation precedes them. Of the top of my head, I can think of a number of politicians( sorry politicians) or people who I would actually  switch off mentally  from as they speak. This because as they have shown me with their words and actions that they cannot be trusted. However, while this is understandable ,like Jesus’s compatriots we often have a pre conceived notion of what ‘knowledge’ should look and sound like. Sometimes the answers or information that we seek can be found in the most unlikely place. We can only access this truths and knowledge if we are willing to listen to people that we would not ordinarily listen to. To quote the good book again’ out of the mouth of babes’ has literarily been proven to me so many times when my children have given me insights that I ordinarily would have missed. So try to listen to your staff, your customer, your children, or even the person who you think ‘has no experience’ in that area etc . An example is people who think not being married disqualifies an unmarried person from giving marital advice.They could have an insight into some aspect of human behaviour which marital status cannot confer on them.
4. Listen with empathy: I wrote a blog post a couple of weeks ago about empathy and wont go into a lot of detail.Empathy is simply the act of putting yourself in the shoes of another. How would you feel if you were the one not being listened to? I know how irritated  i get when i have to  repeat myself over and over again. Or how i feel when i someone is not listening to me especially when i feel i am passing across a very important message .How  many times do i have to say that the bed is not a towel hanger? Imagine how we would all react if we put ourselves in the shoes of the person who we are listening to? You would pay attention and at least to try to give yourself the benefit of the doubt. You would also probably be willing to discuss issues in a more civil way even if you disagree with what is being said. A lot of the disagreements we have on social issues eg politics,theology, lifestyle would be less contentious if more of us could empathise with the other party even if we don’t agree with them.

I will stop here as I feel even mastering just one of the above will make us better listeners.

Just to note that I will now publishing blog posts bi-weekly. The next couple of months are going to be quite busy for me and so it might be difficult to keep up the consistency of articles by writing weekly. In order to keep using this as a creative outlet I have decided that it is better to commit to doing it less rather than not at all.

As always thank you so very much for reading. The encouragement from you all has been so much and I can only say thank you again and God bless you.

Have a lovely Tuesday and September

Much love

Oyindamola

Photo credits – Pinterest

It’s been a very relaxing week for me. I spent most of the last week just eating,sleeping,reading and generally taking things very easy.

If you have been reading this blog for a while you would have gathered that I am a self confessed bibliophile.I love reading books and one of my favourite things to do in books that I own is to highlight or draw lines under sections that really resonate with me. This for me is one of the cons of getting books from the library as I am unable to do that as I read

But like I shared in my post last week, I am really trying to declutter and keep less stuff. This means getting some books from the library saves me money while also reduces the amount of books I have in my home.

I am so glad I have gotten back my reading mojo and the picture above is from my account on the app ‘Good reads’. The first couple years of juggling mummy-hood meant that reading took a back burner and I remember maybe half finishing one book in 2 years. I discovered ‘good reads’ last year (late I know) and it’s been such a useful tool in helping me track and sustain my reading habit.

Below are ten quotes that really resonated with me from some of the books I read this year. I wrote them down and circled them in the books that are mine.There are so many of them so I have chosen a few that are really profound and have made me pause to think about what they mean not just to/for me but also how I view the wider world in general.

Poverty is stressful and having too little money might make you a bad parent. However having too much or more money might not necessarily make you a better parent – David & Goliath by Malcolm Gladwell

Incremental changes cause ripple effects eventually. Learned behaviour can be likened to epidemics or the spread of a virus and can in turn change the social landscape for better or worse – The Tipping point by Malcolm Gladwell

The poor of the world may be guilty of this and that particular fault or foolishness, but if we are fair we will admit that nothing they have done or left undone quite explains all the odds we see stacked up against them. We are sometimes tempted to look upon the poor as so many ne’er-do-wells we can simply ignore. But they will return to haunt our peace, because they are greater than their badge of suffering, because they are human.- Africa’s tarnished Image by China’s Achebe

Our humanity is contingent on the humanity of our fellows. No person or group can be human alone. We rise above the animal together or not at all. If we learned that lesson even this late in the day we would have taken a millennial step forward- Africa’s tarnished Image by Chinua Achebe

Freedom is never voluntarily given by the oppressor – it must be demanded by the oppressed – Why we can’t wait by Martin Luther King Jnr

Human beings with all their faults and strengths constitute the mechanism of a social movement.They make major mistakes and learn from them,make more mistakes and learn anew.They must taste defeat as well as success and discover how to love each other. Time and action are teachers – Why we can’t wait by Martin Luther King Jnr

Just because you are spirit born doesn’t mean you are spirit full.Filled does not mean ‘full’- Hearing God by Nathan Finochio

A good change leader never thinks, “Why are these people acting so badly? They must be bad people.” A change leader thinks, “How can I set up a situation that brings out the good in these people? – Switch:How to change things when change is hard by Chip and Dan Heath

Effort is one of the things that gives meaning to life. Effort means you care about something, that something is important to you and you are willing to work for it. It would be an impoverished existence if you were not willing to value things and commit yourself to working toward them. -Drive:the surprising truth about what motivates us by Daniel Pink

People can have two different mindsets, Those with a “fixed mindset” believe that their talents and abilities are carved in stone. Those with a “growth mindset” believe that their talents and abilities can be developed. Fixed mindsets see every encounter as a test of their worthiness. Growth mindsets see the same encounters as opportunities to improve. – Drive: the surprising truth about what motivates us

I could go on and on but trying to keep the blog posts as succinct as possible.

So did any of them resonate with you? Do you also ponder and think about certain quotes you come across? I know quotes are all the rage in today’s social media world. If I am being honest a lot of them do sound cliche and pseudo ‘self help‘. Which is why reading them in the context of a long narrative in a book gives them a bit more meaning for me. They also should not just be taken as ‘ absolute wisdom‘ as a lot of timesthey are the point of view of the writer/author which generally means it is subjective.

As usual thank you so much for reading and please do comment,share or like here or on my social media pages.

Have a blessed Tuesday and week ahead.

Much love

Oyindamola

Life in the 21st century is really not simple is it? And I am not a person generally disposed to thinking of ‘the good old days’ mostly because I am not that old. However we live in an era where a lot of things are supposed to have made life ‘easier’ but funny enough have made life a bit more complicated for us.

You walk into a supermarket to buy tea and you are confronted with the choice of over 50 flavours from 22 different brands.This often leads to decision paralysis because your brain is working overdrive to figure out which one is healthier,which teabags are bio degradable,fair trade,good value and also tastes relatively ok with molasses sugar,stevia,sweetener,honey or on its own. Then you need to decide if you will have it with skimmed milk,oat milk,almond milk,cashew milk, lactose free, coconut milk and so on and so forth. Phew!

When I was growing up in Nigeria tea was just Lipton! And sugar was St. Louis. Milk was Peak milk.

Finish. Simple and easy.

I know my tea illustration is a bit far fetched and is probably something you can’t relate to but I love tea (and spend too much time in the tea aisle in supermarkets)

My overall point though is more along the lines of how we can seek to simplify our lives. One of the things I set out to do this at the beginning of year was to simplify my life as much as possible. And as I have discovered simple is not always easy.In the course of my work I often have to work with people to decide what would make their service more efficient and 8 out of 10 times people never go for the simple option. We often let perfect get in the way of good and think the more complex a solution is the better it is. That can’t be further from the truth.

If we think about it a bit more ,what really are the essentials for a good life? They really are in the simple things, the food we eat,the family and relationships we have and our health .And this is not in anyway saying that we should not seek to be or want more. This is just asking us to just stop and reevaluate those things that complicate our lives that maybe are not that necessary. Simplicity often gives way to consistency and consistency gives way to results over time.

As I said earlier,one of the things that I decided earlier on in the year was to look for ways to simplify my life/routines and I will share a few practical things that I tried and are still working on;

1. I decided that I would say ‘No’ and not feel guilty about not going to every occasion or event I was invited to

2. Stop wearing foundation to work This gave me back 10 minutes every morning because my make up was already minimal

3. Schedule ahead all medical appointments e.g smear tests, dental appointments etc .I am sure you are thinking how is that simple,spending time worrying in my head actually made my life more complicated. Like a lot of people I tend to put off health rated concerns but with a few close calls this year I have realised that Doctor Google is the worst doctor ever. Pls my people don’t ever google your symptoms. Just don’t!

4. Give or throw away most things I had in duplicates. One of the fastest ways to simplify is to declutter and wow it is such a great feeling. I also went further by putting myself on a 6 month(Jan to June) no buying clothing,accessories ban and wow did I learn how to utilise my wardrobe. Think about it how many black skirts do you really need? Sometimes it’s not easy to choose an outfit because you have too many to choose from.

5. Eating simpler and similar meals. This one is not just about dieting(and I am not on a diet) but also about saving time. Just pause and think about how much time we spend thinking about what we are going to eat for lunch, make for dinner, or what we need to buy at the supermarket etc . Food is one area that is makes life complicated especially with the excess that we have in the west .I tend to eat the same breakfast and lunch all week and have 2 or 3 dinner choices that rotate throughout the week. I also stopped spending my whole Saturday cooking a wide variety of dishes when a few would do. I know this is a bit extreme and not something that will work for everyone as most people get tired of eating the same thing over and over again. I don’t have an issue with it.

6. Last but not the least, I decided to be more grateful and tackle each day on its own merits.This has been the hardest thing for the recovering perfectionist,planner and procrastinator that I am. Me planning to do things that I invariably ended up not doing because I spent so much time planning to do it was (if I am honest still is) one of my greatest sources of stress. My switching thinking of ‘ this day right here is what I have control over’ has really helped to increase my joy levels .Over worrying about what I should have done yesterday helps no one does it? And tomorrow is really out of my control. But today can make tomorrow better. This one shift has been the hardest and one that I am still working on.

All of the above are peculiar to me and my circumstances and everyone will have differences in finding out what works for them.

I believe that there is always one area in our lives that can simplified and it is left to us to discover and implement what it is.Yours might be delegating or paying someone else to do something that takes you hours to do.



As always thank you so much for reading.Please do share those things that you will be simplifying. I always love to read and learn from others as well.

Have a lovely and blessed Tuesday and week!

Much love

Oyindamola

Quotes photo credit– Pinterest

I was a very talkative child. My mum always jokes about an encounter she had with me when I was a toddler that went as follows;

Mum: ‘Oyinda close your mouth’

Me: ‘ I can’t’

Mum: ‘Why?’

Me: ‘Because I want to talk’

Not only did I like to talk, I also loved to argue. My late Dad, bless him noticed those traits and was happy that he had a budding little lawyer who would eventually become a SAN(senior advocate of Nigeria similar to a QC -Queens Counsel in the UK).

Apart from talking and arguing, another thing i loved was reading. I was such a voracious reader that I was the child who would turn up to birthday parties with a storybook or novel in her bag. My mum would sometimes take the book out as she could not understand why you would need to read at a party. I loved talking but I also loved the quiet solitude of being alone by myself buried in books. I was the child who would win the dancing competition but could be found the next hour reading ‘Famous Five’ in the living room away from where the party was taking place.

That child is still the contradiction of who I am today. I love to talk,dance,play & meet people(yup I truly am that tired cliche; people person) but also love the solitude of being all by myself buried in a book.

You know how people think extroverts get bored if they are not around people? No,not me. Rarely ever feel bored when I am by myself as long as I have reading material.

I eventually studied English which of course meant that my poor Dad did not get his Senior Advocate Of Nigeria. The funny thing was that I did eventually get the chance (and even a university acceptance) to go back to study law. But by then in my 2nd year of university I had fallen more in love with words and in turn ;Wordsmiths.

You know those people who can craft words and sentences together and make them into works of art. By my 3rd year, I could choose a major and even though it seemed like the less popular and ‘lucrative’ path, I chose to go down the literature route even though it meant more reading.

I know reading and personal development is really ‘IN’ at the moment.Don’t get me wrong, I do like the odd ‘self-help’ book and don’t begrudge whatever it is that gets people reading more.

For me though,appreciation of books/writing has always been about appreciating it as an art and in turn an expression of life. The stories that are told through books were always something that resonated with me on a deeper level. I read for entertainment but I also read for insight and would often always have a practical lesson that I gained from reading any material.

In university ,I got introduced to various genres and writers that looking back now ,realise played a part in forming what is now my world view.

And it was in those classes I got immersed further into the works of writers like Wole Soyinka,Chinua Achebe, Ngugi wa Thiongo, Mariama Ba, Ayi Kwei Armah, Peter Abraham’s ,Buchi Emecheta,Amos Tutuola etc

I also got introduced to the works of writers like Nawal El Sadaawi, Alice Walker, James Baldwin, Lorraine Hansberry,Maya Angelou and Toni Morrison( who sadly died last week).

I read widely and appreciate works from writers all over .However I have always had an affinity to African/Black writing. This quote by George Joseph sums up why I love African/black literature:

Traditionally Africans do not separate art from teaching. Rather than write or sing for beauty in itself, African writers, taking their cue from oral literature, use beauty to help communicate important truths and information to society. Indeed, an object is considered beautiful because of the truths it reveals and the communities it helps to build.”

Black writing often can’t be separated from the realities and experiences of the writer(even when it is fiction). And even though the appeal might not be widely universal,the thrust of a lot of black literature is to hold a mirror to the real world as it is, how it could be and lessons on how we could make it better. The culture is very contextual and so you would always have to read between and through the lines to get the thrust of what is being said.

Even before African/Black writing became a genre, we had the traditional folktale or folklore stories that were used as a means of moral instruction. e.g the Ijapa(tortoise) stories in Yoruba, Nigeria and the Anansi(spider) folktales in Ashanti Ghana.These were passed down from generation to generation by mostly oral traditions.

Even as a person of faith, apart from the spiritual element,I marvel and appreciate at how the words in certain books in the bible are crafted eg Psalms, proverbs, Ecclesiastes and a lot of Paul’s epistles. The scriptures is another very contextual literature and a lot of times has to be read with that in mind rather than a canon that can be applied literarily.

The insights and benefits that can be gained from reading or words are just so immeasurable.Words are truly powerful and even God tells us how much he values them. Even the bible Bible as literature is truly honest and holds a mirror to the evil and good that is abound in the world that we live in.

I love words and I am so grateful for the breadth of words that I have had the privilege to encounter through reading. Words are my thing and I am so grateful for all the beauty and creativity that God has unleashed in the world through wordsmiths from different generations

So do you love words? Or are you more ‘less words more numbers ? Would really love to hear from you as today’s blog post was a bit different. It is called ‘ life thru my lenses’ so thought to share another side to me. So please leave your comments here and on my social media platforms.

If you are a numbers person you probably stopped reading halfway but if you are reading this it meant you stayed till the end so thank you. Really appreciate everyone who takes their time to read this blog.

Thank you again.

Much love

Oyindamola

It’s August, the 8th month of the year and the height of the summer. I read a quote somewhere this week that described it as ‘the evening of summer’ and this means Autumn(or fall in North America) is almost upon us.

Somewhere else I read someone talking about how it is almost Christmas. Well I started rolling my eyes at that, because one of my pet peeves is people & businesses(especially) talking about Christmas before the end of November. I am that annoying person (yup grinch here)who is always moaning about how Christmas has been commercialised and I think I am getting worse year on year.

I roll my eyes,groan,block my eyes and just generally can’t stand the whole Christmas charade in the shops. Last year I intentionally avoided going to retail spaces (unless I absolutely needed to) from around September. This girl is extra you might think. I think I am!

Ok I digress a bit but I just couldn’t help it.

This got me thinking about myself and predispositions generally about the concept of time and seasons. And I realised that as much as I moan about early Christmases or wonder why people are thinking about Autumn in Summer, I am equally as or even more guilty.

Guilty of what you may ask?

Guilty of trying to fast forward the time and not enjoying the current season I am in .

A lot of times I console myself by calling it ‘forward planning’ or being very ‘organised’. I start thinking about my Saturday routines on Monday and my Monday routines on Saturday. I know and plan what we will eat and wear the week ahead.The children are still on holiday and I have already started thinking about how things will work in September when they are back in school. Planning is a very big part of my day job and one of the reasons I think I am good at it is because I am very predisposed to thinking ahead. I am a very habitual creature and routines are my safe space.

Everything I do to plan is to make my life easier when I do to get to the season I am planning for. This is especially as I have no domestic help and have to plan around managing my time and resources at my disposal. I even plan me and my husbands annual leave at the beginning of the year to plan for the school holidays.

Thinking about this made realise;what right do I really have to moan about businesses thinking ahead to one of their most important trading seasons? If I can plan October half term in January why can’t businesses plan/market Christmas in September?

Planning and time management is a really really good thing.It makes my life easier in a lot of ways.But I am sure we have all heard the phrase ‘too much of a good thing’.

At what point does ‘planning &forward thinking’ begin to rob you of enjoying the now?

I would spend the whole of Saturday cooking so that we could have food during the week(planning ahead). I would finish around say 6.00pm and realise that I had not spent any time talking or even enjoying the company of my family cos I was so tired. So yes we have food in the fridge for the week (really good) but did I really enjoy my Saturday?

Now I am not saying we should not plan ahead. I don’t think I can ever stop planning ahead as that is how I am wired. What I am saying is that we need to find a balance that allows us to plan ahead but also allows us to enjoy the now. I now cook less( we didn’t need that much food anyway)get the kids into the kitchen and then we do something else like go for a walk and do other activities on Saturdays as well. I don’t want my memories of Saturdays being purely kitchen based!

There are loads of areas that I think I need to work on but i am taking it one day at a time.

So my charge for us this week is let’s plan for the future but also look for ways to enjoy the now.

While looking forward to summer,enjoy what you can in the winter & spring.There are different seasons for a reason .They all have their own great and not so great parts .We are only really ever guaranteed the one we are in right now as no one but only God can totally predict what the future holds.

As always thank you so much for reading. I really love the engagement and I am so grateful for the encouragement as well.

Please do comment and share with others. Have a lovely week ahead.

Much love,

Oyindamola

Picture credits – Pinterest & The Bible App