Radical Candor by Kim Scott was written in 2017 and has been recommended to me by a number of people whose opinions I really value.

I decided to read it this year as one of my key areas of growth is honing my leadership skills so I can continue to support my team to be the best they can be.

I have always been drawn to the premise of the title due to personal observations in the workplace where being direct is sometimes seen as a contrast to being kind.

I was able to get into the book immediately as the author excellently mixed stories/personal anecdotes from her career as an executive in Silicon Valley, created a framework while also giving really actionable and practical ideas/tips.

This is a really hard thing to do in a lot of business/personal development type books ( lots of them could be much shorter) but I think Kim Scott was able to pull it off.

The quadrant above forms the premise of most of this book. The early chapters of the book goes into a lot of detail explaining the various terms noted in the image above.

As someone who describes herself as a recovering people pleaser, it was particularly enlightening to get a term for what I have always wondered about in the word ruinous empathy.

She describes it as when a leader is very high in “caring personally, but low on challenging directly”. It’s the stance taken when people feel they are being nice or don’t want to hurt other people’s feeling even when it’s obvious that there are things that need to be challenged.

Compassion is empathy plus action

Kim Scott

She gives a personal example of this in her career and the adverse effects this could have on other team members. It also highlighted how empathy, compassion, kindness or any “seemingly good” motives have to tempered with a sense of fairness and equity.

The latter parts of the book go into a lot of detail and practical tips on how to be the leader who cares personally AND challenges directly( the right quadrant in orange).

She gives lots of ideas on how to go about being this person but with a nuanced approach that acknowledges that there is never a one size fits all approach when it comes leading or managing people.

Another interesting concept for me was how to build a performance culture in a team when managing or leading individuals with different intrinsic or extrinsic motivations. She defines individuals in teams into two broad categories – rock stars and super stars

She defines rockstars as those people who are solid, depedendable and who are not always looking to the next things but want to hone their skills.

She defines superstars, as those who are on a steep career trajectory and are always looking to the next thing or challenge.

She explains that rockstars are often prone to staying longer and can be the backbone of your team but it can be tricky to keep superstars in one position for a long time as they get bored quite easily.

The best way to keep superstars happy is to challenge them and make sure they are constantly learning

Kim Scott

I particularly love the nuanced take on what we could call a very broad categorizations of people and how she takes the time to explain that one isn’t inherently better than the other.

They are just different!

Using personal examples and stories, she also highlights how these categories are fluid as individuals can default to these states based on their current life seasons or circumstances.

It really resonated with me as someone who has fluctuated between being a stay at home mum, not wanting to take on extra duties at work so I could do the school run and growing into being able to lead really complex and challenging change initiatives at various stages in my career and life.

I often joke that my stay at home mum days gave me so many immeasurable skills that I bring to the workplace but the author elaborates on this idea in such a beautiful way.

I love a quote and it is something I often look out for in any book and this book didn’t disappoint.

I highlighted so many quotes from the book and will share below a few of my favourites.

If you want to build a ship, don’t drum up people to collect wood and don’t assign them tasks and work, but rather teach them to long for the endless immensity of the sea.

Kim Scott

For me it reinforces that people work better at the what and the how when they understand the why!

The essence of leadership is not getting overwhelmed by circumstances.

Kim Scott

This is especially true when leading change. The circumstances will never be perfect but it’s important not to get overwhelmed.

Sometimes, the greatest gift you can give your team is to let them go home!

Kim Scott

Or log off in the hybrid world! For me this especially resonates in understanding that work is just one element of an individual’s life. Caring personally means acknowledging that.

When management is the only path to higher compensation, the quality of management suffers, and the lives of the people who work for these reluctant managers become miserable

Kim Scott

This quote and part of the book taps into my belief that we need broader ways of compensation that does not always translate to leading or managing people. Not everyone who is great at their job will be great at managing/leading people.

We have too many people who are miserable in their work lives because they are being led by someone who does not want to be responsible for people.

Listen, Challenge, Commit. A strong leader has the humility to listen, the confidence to challenge, and the wisdom to know when to quit arguing and to get on board

Kim Scott

This needs no further explanation. This last quote is one I have started intentionally practicing. Listening is not exactly my strongest forte but was something that really shone through this book.

Books like these are meant to be revisited again and it is one I will be surely revisiting. I listened to it on audiobook and have now ordered a physical copy to dip in and out of.

It was a really great read and one that I would highly recommend for anyone who is interested in being both effective and kind as a leader.

My working week is packed with lots of peopling (a term I have co-opted which means being in the company of lots of people) for ALOT of time.

The nature of my work means that I am in a lot of meetings, workshops and spending large amounts of my time with different people about different things. My peopling doesn’t end also on week days as I serve as a minister in my local church which means Sunday mornings ( and some afternoons) is also spent in the company of people outside my immediate family.

It’s something I generally enjoy as I would describe myself as a people person. That said, this amount of constant peopling has awakened or rather rekindled my need for solitude. While I would appear extroverted, I have found that withdrawing or being by myself is required for me show up as my best self at peopling.I share this to provide some context to the title.

What does it truly mean to see a person?

It might seem ironic but I find that the more people you spend time with, the lower the chances are that you actually see them. Spending time in solitude either praying, reflecting or meditating has given me the space to think about how often I truly see people despite constantly being surrounded by them.

I have italicized see to emphasize seeing a persons humanity and not just physical sight. In the bid to get the results or outcomes, there is a higher likelihood that I begin to care more for people’s perception of me rather than seeing them as a person.

The more I care about perception, optics, procedures, processes ( and I am such a process driven person) and all the other things we put in place to manage people,the less I care about them as humans.

They become stakeholders, members, staff, volunteers, sales targets ie numbers that I need to mold or influence to get what I need. If they hold differing opinions on certain issues, there is a chance I might even begin to view them as stumbling blocks. Their humanity gets lost and I begin to view them as a means to an end or “resources” ( no offence meant HR professionals 😉).

All I have described seems quite sinister but really isn’t. It’s what happens as most of us go to through the daily grind of trying to serve or earn a living. Most people ( not all) don’t start with the intention of viewing fellow humans as numbers. It just happens!

We can even define them as a coping mechanisms as it’s nearly impossible to have the capacity to truly connect with people on a personal level in large numbers.

Relationship building is an intentional activity which requires giving of ourselves in ways that are difficult to scale in large numbers. It’s easier to see less people!

I am a Christian and follow the example of Jesus Christ in most things. Even he had a core group of 12 disciples despite having lots of followers.We read his story of feeding 5 thousand and we didn’t get to read the name of even one of those 5 thousand meanwhile we get to read about the 12 in some detail.

Research has shown that 5 to 7 is the optimal number of direct reports or people one person can effectively manage/lead to drive the best results. This is especially true for work that requires executing some kind of shared vision.

Great leadership is not just about instruction, delegation or decision making. It also comes with an ability to inspire and empower those being led towards working together to achieve common goals.

Being able to influence or inspire to achieving a goal often occurs when individual in the group feel seen. The parameters or markers of being seen will differ from individual to individual but it takes some intention and work. It takes going past the numbers/task and trying to connect with people on a personal level.

At the core of this is the understanding that people are at the core of achieving most organizational, societal or cultural goals. People who feel seen are more likely to be engaged and an engaged person often translates to greater participation. Greater participation creates ripple effects which invariably leads to better outcomes.

While it would be impossible( and probably not wise) to build relationships with every SINGLE person I come across in work and vocation, this piece is a reminder to myself and others to keep people at the forefront of what I do. To make an effort to see those I serve even when it’s difficult. To care for people over caring about what they think about me.

It might mean being discerning enough to figure those who need to be seen and when. Being seen might not be an ongoing activity in certain situations. Perhaps learning to adapt to where and when it’s needed could be the skill that we all need to learn

This could take the form of;

Being understanding with that colleague going through a tough personal patch and it’s impact on their performance

Reaching out to that parish member who is caring for an ailing parent while also dealing with other life issues

Noticing and encouraging that parent on the train with the crying toddler when all they can feel is the judgement of other passengers

Being the one who acknowledges the issues a ‘challenging’ customer has faced and choosing to apologise for the service failings

Choosing to listen to a colleague’s idea about solving a problem even if you have a different solution

The list above is by no means exhaustive but these are one off situations in which we can make people feel seen. In the broader sense, making people feel seen requires an effort to go beyond the surface to take the time to build relationships and in turn trust.

I was asked recently on what I considered the most important element of leadership. For me it’s Trust. I won’t go into the details of this( maybe in another blog post) but trust takes effort and can be fundamentally summed up in “I feel/know this person has my back”. To feel that, you have to gone through various phases and iterations of feeling seen by said individual.

It’s easy to revert to coping mechanisms but writing this has made me reflect on how I can get better at seeing people. I hope reading this makes you do the same too.

Thank you so much for reading and hope you have a great weekend.

Nelson Mandela’s Long walk to Freedom is one of my favourite autobiographies ever .It is quite a bulky read at 656 pages but was a book that not only humanized a legend but also taught me a lot of life and leadership lessons.

One of the prevailing lessons that ran through the book and Madiba’s life was the ethos of community and teamwork.

Mandela was seen as the symbol of the apartheid movement in South Africa but his autobiography details the efforts of other figures like Cyril Ramaphosa, Oliver Tambo,Walter Sisulu etc. All of these men and Mandela brought their different strengths and weaknesses to what can be described as one of the most pivotal civil rights struggle of the 20th century.

As the pictured quote states, we all have different capacities,strengths and weaknesses.Most of us either in school or at work have been assigned to work as part of a group to deliver an outcome (some of us call them projects😉). Working in teams evokes a lot mixed feelings for most of us as it means having to consider or rely on other people and gosh can people be tricky!

Group/team work is great because it often takes collective effort to achieve success in most human endeavor. Different members of the group possess different skills or strengths ,the work gets shared and we can all relieve the pressure on individuals as we pitch in when necessary.

On the flip side,you have members of the group whose weaknesses can feel like a drawback or detracts from the end goal.

The natural inclination this instance is to drop the dead weight and look for stronger team mates (cue Anne Robinson’s voice “You are the weakest list, Goodbye! 😀 on the famed BBC Gameshow The Weakest Link)

the whole is always greater than the sum of its parts

Aristotle

Mandela’s quote challenged me to think of strengths and weaknesses in a different light.It made me reflect on the following questions in the context of different units of society; families, institutions, organisations, communities etc.

1. What if we looked at individual strengths in a collective fashion?

2. What if the stronger team mates saw their strengths as an advantage that benefit the whole?

3. What if the perceived weakest link was the glue that kept the other strengths working as a unit?

4. Can we ever truly quantify an individual’s contributions in purely numerical terms?

5. How do we objectively define strengths that cater to all abilities?

6. What would society become if we left behind all the percieved weakest links?

I agree that there are no easy answers to the questions above. It also not a concept that comes easily as the world is mostly wired to the survival of the fittest. It’s one that will take a lot intention and seems much more difficult than just shedding the dead weight.

I don’t think there are straight answers but the book made me reflect on how we could view strengths and weaknesses in a different light.

One of the easiest way to start is to begin to question how we see those abilities that don’t fit neatly into broad categories.

Is the weakest link truly weak or do they have a different ability that could utilised differently or in a different context?

Another easy action would be to acknowledge that we all have strengths AND weaknesses which in turn enables us to accommodate/respect other people’s strengths weaknesses. Seems pretty obvious but I never cease to be surprised at how many people can’t seem to hold this nuance particularly in how they relate to others. We see this play out in different elements of society and how much disdain we can hold for people who don’t follow conventional paths and how we narrowly define success.Mandela’s insights reminded me of a truly remarkable individual who realised that no one of us is ever truly self made. Our weakest links could be held up by another’s strongest attribute

Alone, we can do so little; together, we can do so much

Helen Keller

Thank you so much for reading and I am really looking forward to hearing your thoughts and even questions.

Curiosity comes with a willingness to admit being wrong.

To be open to considering an alternative view.

People assume that being curious or open to other perspectives is a threat to holding firm convictions or values.

Our values and convictions are often how we show up in the world but we must also be aware that other external factors influence how we see and experience life.

Every human society is an enterprise of world-building

Peter Berg

We might not always admit it but elements of our values and convictions are as a result of imaginations, innovations, and ideas in the world around us .Most of what we find ourselves doing is consistent with our culture ( even if not all).

I spent most of my childhood, teenage and adult life in Nigeria. I moved to the UK in my mid twenties and have lived here ever since. While I mostly consider myself Nigerian, it would be foolhardy of me to think that I haven’t imbibed elements British culture.

20 yr old me would be astonished at how easily I can kickstart a conversation of the back of the weather. Or much tea I now drink.😁

We must be willing to admit that we are all prone to group think, stereotypes, prejudice , objectification etc Cultures are environments, or “worlds,” we create for ourselves.

It’s why we must be willing to question the status quo. We must be willing to accept that there might be a perspective that differs to ours which might not be entirely wrong.

This is how change occurs; new things are discovered, new ideas are expanded on and adapted to the old. I know change isn’t always synonymous with better ( believe me when I say this) but at least we are able to consider different.

It’s a relatively new year and while a lot of us are considering new ways of doing I am urging us to also consider a new way of being.

So as you start this new week, what can you be curious about?

Trying out a dish you have never tried

Taking a different route on your daily walk/run

Start a conversation with someone you ordinarily wouldn’t

Read an article outside your area of discipline or interest

Be willing to really listen to something, someone or a viewpoint you disagree with

These are just a few ways you can be curious not just this week but as we go into a new year!

Thank you for reading and would be curious( pun intended 😁) to hear how you are going to be curious this year

The end of the year is a time for reflection; what’s worked, what didn’t and what can be improved for the year ahead.

This exercise has really evolved for me over the years but one of the most satisfying yearly recaps ( which I missed in 2022) is to write about the books I read during the year.

The starting point is looking through the books I completed from the reading challenge I set myself on GoodReads.

As you can see from the picture below this has varied but have often acted as a baseline for the number of books I would like to read in the coming year.

Meeting my numerical goal is however not the only basis for how I assess how my reading year has gone. I also assess it based on enjoyment levels, discovery of new stories, genres, authors, subject areas and perhaps most importantly the IMPACT the books had on me spiritually, emotionally and intellectually.

This year I set myself a challenge of 40 books and might possibly get to 40 by the 31st 😁( highly doubt it but will try). Normally I would catalogue the books that had the most impact on me but there is a slight spin this year; I am adding an author who had the most impact on me as well.

Timothy James Keller was an American pastor, preacher, theologian and apologist who unfortunately died in May 2023 at the age of 72.

Theology (the study of the nature of God and religious belief) has always been a subject that has held my curiosity. I have always struggled with the idea that faith and reason have to be mutually exclusive and stumbling on the work of various theologians further expanded my curiosity on the subject.

Faith by its very basis is not very logic based. That said, I had always suspected that being a person of faith did not mean you were never meant to question or think about the basis of your beliefs.

One of the first books I ever read on the topic was CS Lewis’s Mere Christianity. This book from the well acclaimed atheist turned Christian was pivotal for me as it opened up a plethora of ideas on scripture and how to approach elements of what it taught practically.

Mere Christianity gave me some valuable insight but then I listened to a Tim Keller podcast and thought “Now who is this person who is able to explain in layman terms some of the questions I have that most people shy way from ”

I must add here that there might be some areas of christian doctrine that I might disagree with Keller but his writing and ministry have been very pivotal for me in navigating those questions that most people have when it comes to matters of faith.

I had read a number of his books previously and even did a review of his book, Every Good Endeavour and how it changed my outlook to work and faith.

Book Review- Every Good Endeavour by Timothy Keller

When I learnt that his illness was critical and then of his eventual death in May, it reinforced my resolve to read more of his books. I read 6 of his books in 2023 with one being a re read.

I cannot find the words to articulate how much these books have had an impact on me this year. All of the books had different central ideas, but the overarching idea of most of Kellers books is; God is at the center of all things, and Jesus is the pioneer and perfecter of the Christian faith.

I took something away from most books but one of the most profound was from The Prodigal God . It reinforced to me how much self righteousness exists in the church and how it isn’t recognized because we are constantly feeling superior to others esp those who believe differently.

The Reason for God is one I would recommend for both believers and non believers if you have ever had any questions or doubts about( something most believers don’t like to admit) some of the ideas in the Bible.

The Ministries of Mercy should be read by anyone in ministry who feels burdened by taking the church back to the basics and ministering to the least of these.

The Freedom of Self forgetfulness is just 46 pages but delves a lot into how much our ego and how we are perceived can be a prison and how self forgetfulness( which does not mean don’t care about yourself) could be the way out.

This blog post is already getting longer than intended so pls check out my GoodReads profile for my thoughts on the others Oyindamola GoodReads.

Tim Keller wasn’t the only author that had a profound impact on me in 2023. When I say profound impact, I mean books that made me think, feel or act differently after reading. All of the books pictured above did that for me.

I finished reading Days at The Morisaki Bookshop and it reinforced some of my visions and dreams for the future.

Show me the Bodies was difficult to read but it made me resolve that paying attention to detail in my work made a difference and caring about the work that we do should be the norm as it translates to how we do it and in turn impacts those we serve. I would recommend it to anyone who works in the social housing sector.

The Ruthless Elimination of Hurry made me resolve to stop rushing and savor the moments. It made me realise how much hurry impedes spiritual awareness both with God and the people around us. The quote below from Corrie Ten Bonn really resonated with me

if the devil can’t make you sin, he’ll make you busy. There’s truth in that. Both sin and busyness have the exact same effect—they cut off your connection to God, to other people, and even to your own soul.

The Ruthless Elimination of Hurry

Good, Beautiful and Kind reinforced that kindness is the default state of a Christian and can only come from a heart that chooses to dwell on the good.

Leaders eat last gave me some really good insights on servant leadership and how this translates to empowering teams. Nothing earth shattering but having lately realized how little of this sort of leadership truly exists, it is one that I think leaders and aspiring leaders could learn from.

How to say Babylon was a memoir but was written in such poetic language that at various points I had to stop and pause at the beautiful use of words. It also gave so much historical context into the origins of Rastafarianism.

The Mountain Sings was also another one that made feel deeply. It was a fictional story that was one of our bookclub reads. It’s a book that has definitely changed how I view war and its impact on the most vulnerable in society. I also learnt so much about the Vietnamese war which in turn sparked my curiosity about the geo politics of the region.

I read ( and re-read) so many other great books this year but it would be impossible to list them all in this blog post. All I can say that the books I read held up a mirror to how my 2023 went. It was a year of growth, joy, tenacity, character formation etc. There were very high highs and very low lows.

It was the also the year I turned 40 which marks the start of a new era of life. As I read somewhere, 40 is the old age of youth and youth of old age so looking forward to my 40’s with much optimism.

We also had a fantastic year reading round the world in the Bookmark Bookclub,the bookclub I co host.

We read books set in countries around the world and had such an amazing time discussing them with some of the authors. You can see some of the titles and what we have been up to and have coming up here –Bookmark Bookclub

Really looking forward to all of the great books, I will be reading in 2024 individually and with Bookclub.

Thank you so much for reading and wishing you a wonderful, joyful 2024 in advance!