I am fascinated by habits.Maybe because I am such a creature of habit. Yup,I am that person who can eat the same type of food everyday for months. I used to drink 2/3 bottles of Coca Cola a day. For about a year my breakfast every week day was 2 almond croissants (from the same store) with a large mocha to go.Yes I know very unhealthy eating habits but let’s just leave my eating habits for a bit.

Habits are defined as;

‘a settled or regular tendency or practise’

Notice the words ‘settled’ & ‘regular’ which means they are things we tend to do in auto pilot often without putting too much thought into .Most of us just ‘tend’ to brush our teeth everyday (at least I hope everyone reading this does),it’s just a ‘settled practise’. If you are like me most of the time ,you are not thinking of brushing your teeth in the terms of fighting gum disease or mouth decay , you just do it because it’s something you do.

I am just concluding a book by Gretchen Rubin called ‘Better than Before’ and this book really goes into a lot of detail on why and how we can form better habits. One of the things I loved most about the book is how she broke down why all ‘good’ habits cannot work for everyone.I am always so wary when people give other people prescriptive advice on what they ‘should’ be doing.

In the first part of the book she talked about how self knowledge was such a key part in understanding how to form and sustain good habits. ‘ Knowing thyself’ is something I subscribe to and anyone who knows me would have heard me chip it into conversations at some point or the other .Now when I say ‘know thyself’ I am not saying be rigid or inflexible about change.It just means that I think a greater understanding of who you are is a starting point for making sustainable changes.

The image above shows all the 4 tendencies that she outlined.I can’t go into all the tendencies as I am trying to keep posts shorter but based on the above groupings and the explanations in the book I would classify myself as an Upholder. If I am being even honest I would say an upholder with some obliger tendencies which I am gradually letting go of as I grow older. Upholders tend to be people who people can rely on but also rely on themselves.Their motivation is often driven internally and externally while obligers tend to be more externally motivated.

Based on the book and Rubin’s research upholders find it relatively easier(good habits are never easy) to cultivate habits.As indicated earlier,I kinda now know why it was so easy for me to cultivate bad habits. What I have found though in the last couple of years though is that I can exchange those ‘bad’ habits for ‘better’ ones. And while upholders or people like me find it easier,there are so many ways EVERYONE can cultivate better habits.Most people people want to cultivate better habits and listed above are the 7 points that tend to be the recurring theme both from Rubin’s research and people that I know and have come across (including myself).

Let me come back to me and my erstwhile not so great habits for a bit.So even though I used to drink 2/3 cans or bottles of Coca Cola ( I would substitute food for Coca Cola) I have not had a bottle of Coca Cola (or even fizzy drinks) in 11 years. Yes not one bottle/can. I am still fighting ‘other’ sugar battles but at least i have won that one. I substituted Coca Cola with water and herbal teas. And in usual fashion I go overboard (about 3 to 4 cups a day) . I know very over the top.

My point is not really about just patting myself on the back but to emphasise how we all can employ various strategies to cultivate better habits into our daily lives.The secret to becoming better (not perfect) can be found in what we do every day. We can never become what we aspire and dream to be by what we do once in a while.

If you follow my Instagram page you would have probably seen the image below. 

I keep posting this manifesto everywhere because I totally agree with every single one of the points listed.Even prior to reading this book, I can truly say from living and trying every single point that they are true and really work. She just wrote down what I would have struggled to articulate as perfectly as she has.

Until i changed my surroundings to exclude fizzy drinks it was harder to resist drinking them.Except you tell me ahead before visiting I can’t serve you Coca Cola as I rarely have Coca Cola in my house. My husband buys it once in a while but now it’s not even a drink i would go for. And no i am not saying Coca Cola is bad if had once in a while or not as regularly as I did but I couldn’t so it was best for me to give it up totally.

Until I started monitoring what I ate, I didn’t realise how much I was overeating. Or monitoring how much time I spent in front of screens or how much money I spent buying stuff I didn’t really need. Until I monitored,I couldn’t look for ways to do better.

I could give examples for every single one of the points raised but I guess you just have to take my word for it.It is not easy to cultivate better habits but it is extremely rewarding.I am still a work in progress but I am learning to take each day at time and trust that consistency always eventually pays off.

So my last point today apart from recommending the book (find details on my book highlights if you follow me on Instagram) is to think of one area you think you can do better. Think of a bite sized way you can try to incorporate it into what you do regularly.e.g I want to be more active’ maybe try walking 20 mins everyday. Make it easy so maybe walk to the station instead of driving or park at a farther bay.

Before you know it, you are getting more active and it’s something that just comes to you as naturally as eating or sleeping or brushing your teeth.

Thank you for reading and please do share this blog with others. Have a lovely Tuesday and week ahead.

With love

Oyindamola

Photo credits

Quotes:Pinterest

Book pages: ‘Better than Before’ by Gretchen Rubin

The first thing or image that pops into people’s minds when we talk about privilege is material wealth.The image that comes to most people’s minds is private jets and episodes of ‘My super sweet 16.

It is such a touchy word and people automatically recoil at its use.So when you tell the average person who was not born with a silver(these days more diamond) spoon that they have privilege they automatically look for ways to refute it or tell you how hard they had it or how ‘hard’ they worked to get where they are.

See below a paraphrased definition of the word;

a special advantage, or immunity granted or available only to a particular person or group

The range of privilege is quite wide. An obvious one could be access or ability to afford a private education.This is an advantage over so many people who might not be able to afford that type education.And this is no way diminishes the education others receive,it just highlights a different experience.

I know my example contradicts my initial introduction but I am going somewhere. Privilege is not just about having access to wealth.

The inspiration for this post came from something a popular blogger/author posted on the issue of passport privilege. You don’t realise the difference in treatment of citizens who carry certain passports until you come across the stories of citizens who don’t.

It struck a chord because I am a naturalised British citizen. I remember having a conversation with one of my colleagues who didn’t realise what applying for a visa entailed. He was so perplexed at the whole process despite being relatively well traveled he had never had to apply for a travel visa until this occasion.

That’s privilege right there!

Is he wealthy? Not really.

However by pure circumstance of birth(you can’t choose where you are born) he has access to travel visa free to more countries that billions of people have to apply for travel visas to visit. He just needs to buy a travel ticket to 185 countries in the world.

I have been in the shoes of those billions and can acknowledge the privilege one of the passports i now carry bestows on me. I am not sure prior to our conversation he had ever seen having a British passport as a privilege but as his right which it is.

Let’s no go into the unfairness of why some humans are considered more ‘trustworthy ‘ because of their location of birth. It just shows you the colonial echoes that are still evident in the world today but that’s a topic for another day.

So why am I asking you to acknowledge your privilege?

I find that without the acknowledgement of privilege, it is harder to feel empathy for the struggles of those who might not have had the opportunities that you had.

Acknowledging your privilege allows you to see the sum total of things that might have contributed to your story and accomplishments.

It does not mean you discount the effort and hard work that you put in but it means you have a greater appreciation for those things that contributed to your progress.

It also makes it evident to you how the lack of those opportunities might have been a disadvantage to others.

I was not brought up in a wealthy home but below are some of the opportunities I had that no doubt helped shape who I am and are becoming;

Educated and healthy parents

High academic expectations

Access to a great education

Not having to worry about food,shelter or clothing

A very early exposure to books

Most of the list seem like basics don’t they? Also notice that they are not necessarily tied to having loads of money.

One of my greatest heart‘s desires is that ALL children have most of the things on that list especially those that we could call the ‘basics’.

But we all know that’s not the case.

We know the chances of a child doing well at school greatly reduces if they have a sick parent that they have to care for. Now there are some children that will still strive and succeed despite those challenging circumstances but it means they have to work twice as hard as those who don’t.

Various studies have shown that one of the leading causes in the decline of social mobility in most countries in the world can be linked to some of the things my list.

I am no Einstein but research shows that children who have have high academic expectations,have educated parents tend to do better at school even despite other socio-economic realities.

Again I will caveat this by saying some children still do well without these but having had this privilege, I can appreciate what they have been able to achieve even more.

I knew I had to work hard in school but in retrospect maybe I should not have laughed at colleagues in University who I felt did not have the command of English that I did.

Or judged and mocked those who wore the same t shirt and jeans all week. They probably had a different background and being in the same class meant that they had beaten more odds than I had.

If I had the mindset I have now, it would have made me acknowledge that I was not better than them simply because of the clothes I wore or the way I spoke English.

Your privilege might have been a mother who just would not give up on you despite how many times you failed.

Or an aunty who told you about the internship that changed the course of your career.

Or a father who spent all his life savings to send you on that post graduate course.

Or the mum who worked 4 jobs in a foreign country so you could join her one day.

Or the coach who took you on for nothing to nurture that talent that would have otherwise gone unnoticed.

It might even be as mundane as turning on the tap and water comes out.

Or going to school without having to worry about being shot at.

Or being able to go the doctor without having to sacrifice eating for a while month.

Acknowledging privilege and gratitude go hand in hand. Gratitude is also the springboard for true empathy.

Think of the ways that you might have had an advantage that is not readily available to someone else. And try to pay it forward in your own little way.

Lastly ,think of all the things that you can be grateful for this week .

This is something that I find makes a difference in how you view life. I know life can be tough but looking at life through the lens of gratitude makes the journey more bearable.

I hope you have a lovely Tuesday and week ahead. Would love to read your comments and please do share this blog with others.

Thank you for reading

Lots of love

Oyindamola

Quote photo credits – Pinterest

Do you pick up your phone to check the weather so you can pick a suitable outfit ( I live in the UK) for the day? 40 mins later,you are down a rabbit hole of stories, quotes and pictures? Yup,I am speaking for myself and if this is not you I need to learn some more tips from you . I know I probably spend more time on social media than I should .Instagram and more recently twitter ( the comments and replies on Nigerian twitter are so hilarious) are my go to’s these days.For some it’s Facebook,snapchat,YouTube some people are even attached to LinkedIn(is LinkedIn really social media though ?)

On the other side of the the spectrum are people who cannot stand social media. After a series of scandals,quite a large number of people deleted their social media accounts. The rise in social media use has been attributed as a root cause for so many societal ills ranging from mental health issues to bullying & being a threat to democracy with allegations of election tampering.

In so many ways,I believe social media deserves the bad rap it often gets.But like a lot of things in life, there are two sides to the coin.For every I con I can think of with social media there are some pros

Fake news is very concerning as a lot of people often seek to find news or articles on social media that confirms biases that they already have. But even with fake news,one can’t deny how much social media has helped to democratise the mainstream media.

Social connections/interactions are gradually being lost with people replacing face to face interactions with interacting with people through a screen. But even with the problems that poses,one can’t discount the support and safe spaces that social media has created for some people.Some online forums have been places of solace for people at vulnerable times where there might have no been physical support previously .There have also been so many connections that have been made through social media that have turned into positive thriving fulfilling relationships offline.

It could be said that social media could hamper productivity as it’s really addictive and could be a distraction during the working day. That said more and more businesses are tapping into the social media space as a way to market,retain and foster customer relationships. Social media has also been a godsend for small businesses who might have not been able to compete with larger organisations in the past due to marketing costs. The amount of jobs that it has created can also not be ignored.

Social media can be what what you make of it. I choose to believe that it is like any other tool that had been created by man.People rarely see it that way but statistics show that one of the riskiest things which we all more or less do everyday is get into a moving vehicle I.e car/bus train etc. A car is a really dangerous tool and quite a lot of people die in motor accidents despite the fact that we need it to transport usvaround .What often determines how well use this tool to move from A to B is determined by how well you mitigate the risks that it poses.

So while I get the concerns of the ‘Social media is ruining humanity’ brigade I also think we can personally mitigate those risks in our lives by how we use it and whether it is adds any value to us or diminishes our quality of life.

Below are some tips that I am still trying (and fail at sometimes) to make sure that we can navigate and gain something from a phenomenon that I think has come to stay whether we like it or not ;

1. Monitor your usage: there is a saying ‘we manage what we monitor’ and i found this to be so true. So many phones have features that can give you a summary of how much time you spend on each app. Sometime last year I tracked my phone use-age for the first time. Oh dear,let’s just not go there, I deleted the data cos it was just so embarrassing. It was however the first step in owning up to the fact that I needed to change and reduce how much time I spent on social media sites.
2. Set a limit: As soon as you monitor(and get shocked like I did) set a limit.Don’t make it vague e.g ‘ spend less time on instagram’ instead ‘ 30 mins at any one instance’ or ‘ 2 hours a day maximum’ I know this can be tricky especially for those who run a business of some sort but it is doable.Go a step further by actually putting things that will limit it eg putting your phone away,logging out of the app,installing apps that kick you off after the time limit has elapsed etc
3. Curate your social media feeds: This one goes without saying. So yes ,I know scrolling mindlessly is bad but sometimes it can’t be helped(I am actually praying about this LOL).But for me it became,WHAT am I scrolling through? I unfollowed certain pages,intentionally do not follow gossipy type forums/pages and make sure that pages,people that I follow are people that link into interests that I know add value to my life. So when I do find myself scrolling, I am picking up some information,I am being inspired, I am being ministered to etc So even though that time could have been used elsewhere ,some of the time it is not actually wasted. Last week I got a tip on a food item and used it for cooking this weekend. See it’s not always bad.
4. Figure out what you want it to do for you: This one sounds a bit deep and cliche doesn’t it ? What’s she on about you might think? But I am sure that you agree that not knowing why you are using something often leads to you misusing it. Is social media just for leisure,building your business or your brand,a way to make connections,a tool to gather information etc None of these reasons are right or wrong but determining what you want it to be for you maybe a good way to determine how to structure the first 3 tips. It makes sense that a business user spends 7 hours a day on social media but is that really a good use of time if it’s just for leisure? Again it’s left for individuals to determine for themselves what they are willing to use it for.Asking that question leads to clarity of purpose. It also makes you question yourself on what content you also actually post on social media; do I want to impress or do I want to impact?
5. Don’t substitute other interactions with social media: I like or commented on her post yesterday. So that means we are in touch right ?Yes & No. At least I know she is alive and can see her even if I can’t see her BUT do I really know if she is ok? I was so guilty of not keeping in touch with my friends by thinking ‘at least we talk on social media’ . Now while there is nothing wrong with that and we all know adulting can be hectic, it is not a substitute for those other interactions with our loved ones. Social media can create the illusion of ‘connection’ but it is worth having it at back of your mind that sometimes everything is not always as it seems. So call your friend,go out for a coffee,go visiting etc Those things might not be as frequent as the social media connection but they do have their place.
6. Resist competition & comparison: Everyone says this one especially on social media ( irony eh). Don’t compare bla bla but it is HARD.Never in the history of man has it been so busy to see how much of a failure that you are compared to everyone else. My natural disposition is not competitive with .Not comparing myself to others sort of comes with how I am wired but even I struggle with not comparing myself to others on social media. You mean this is her 6th holiday this year and I have not even had one in 5 years? Wow I am so poor,i need a richer husband. Just joking but you get my drift on the thoughts that do cross our minds .And if most people are honest with themselves,it happens to us all.Implementing tip no 5 though lends itself to this one because if you have set the boundaries of what social Media is for you,you resist the urge to compete. You begin to define what matters to you and if taking a holiday matters to you,her 6th holiday could be the motivation for you to start saving for your only holiday in 5 years. It also allows you to define what you are there for and in a way allows you to not distracted by all the noise. Yes I call social media a noisy place!

I have quite a no of other tips but trying to keep my blog posts a bit shorter( I got some feedback on length ) so these are the 6 that I think that are the most important and doable for everyone .I know you probably got directed here from a social media site but I am hoping that we all find the balance to it that will enrich and not deduct from our lives.

Please do share your comments and thoughts. I would particularly love to read any other tips on how you manage social media. Also please do share this blog with others. Thank you for reading.

Much love

Oyindamola

Quote photo credits- Pinterest

‘You don’t look like a Ganiya’ (it’s actually spelt Ganiat)

‘You are not loud and aggressive like most Nigerians’.

‘You are from Lagos island? I would have never have made you for an island girl’

‘Wow you speak very good English I had no idea you were not born in the Uk’

That last one i am very suspicious of because I think my Nigerian accent is fairly obvious.

These are just some of the numerous comments(too numerous to list here) I have heard from people about how I appear contrary to the perception they had about people who fall into certain groups.Some of these people even thought they were giving me a compliment.They had been conditioned to place these people into boxes and even though these boxes could be accurate depictions of ‘ganiyas or Nigerians or island girls’ ; they found it odd that I was different or not a ‘true to type’ description of what those ‘people’ or ‘boxes’ were.

We all do it whether or not we admit it to ourselves. It’s just an easier way for our brains to cope with the vast amounts of information we have to process about people we come in contact with throughout our lives. It’s an uncomplicated way for us to make predictions about others people’s behaviour based on both past experiences and widely held generalisations. And you know what ,even though stereotypes are often portrayed as negative,some of them can be positive or neutral e.g.

‘Canadians are polite’

‘Women are great at multi tasking’

Ok ,maybe the last one is not that great because apparently multi tasking is not really all it’s cracked up to be but you get my point.

The perception of Nigerians being brash, loud or aggressive tends to be formed from a very narrow prism. And even though the comment was meant as a compliment, I saw it as looking at it from one side of the box. One side of the box that automatically assumes that ALL Nigerians act the same way. Or another side of the box that assumes being loud,brash or aggressive is always a bad thing.

There are almost 170 million Nigerians on this planet from over 250 ethnic groups so it stands to reason that we can’t ALL act the same way. To add to that,I actually think that I AM aggressive about certain things even if not it’s immediately obvious. I aggressively seek to better myself, my children’s teachers might not agree that I am not aggressive and you need to see me at an owambe ( Nigerian party) where the best Afro beats are being played to see how LOUD I can actually be or how much my Isale eko(the part of Lagos island I am from) genes run deep.

You cannot always presume what or who a person is by the container or box that they come in. If you have ever received an amazon delivery you will know how unwise it is to judge the contents just by looking at the box.Some of the smallest most inexpensive items come in the biggest boxes while some that cost a fortune come in much smaller packages. I bought some books the other day and the box was massive and it took me a fair few minutes to get to the books .I have also ordered a smart watch from them and it came in such a small box.

It is the same with people. Until you begin to look in & beyond the box that people come in terms of their nationality,race,gender,religion,age etc you might find that you will never truly get to know who they are really are.Of course,certain characteristics are true about certain groups of people but it is often just one part of who they are. And sometimes that box you are trying to fit them into might be too small to contain all of the various bits and pieces that make up who they are.

I am a multi dimensional person with various layers and multiple interests that would be different from what people like me are ‘supposed’ to be.And I realise that a lot of people are the same.

I remember how I used to think that only Africans valued the extended family structure (and maybe Asians to an extent ). I have however interacted and gotten to know people from other cultures who as individuals value the extended family even though the prevailing cultures that they come from might not place as much premium on it.

My challenge for us as we go about our days is to to challenge our selves about those biases/stereotypes that we hold about people/groups . Think to yourself;

‘Am I truly seeing the full picture? Is it fair for me to assume that that this stereotype is ALL who this person is’. Even if the stereotype is true,is my perception of the stereotype a bit skewed? Most people are more than the single story that has been assigned to them as Chinamanda Adichie rightly said.

So check yourself before you automatically assume every single woman likes rom coms ( I like a few but most of them are really annoying) and even if they did Rom coms might not all be bad even if I find them annoying . Or that all Wasius like Fuji music (you need to be Nigerian to get this). And even if they did,some Fuji music lyrics can be philosophical.

Let’s all try to look in and beyond the box of those people that you come across as and you just might be surprised at what you uncover.

Thank you for taking the time to read and hope you have a lovely week ahead.

Much love

Oyindamola

Quotes photo credit -Pinterest

People make things tricky don’t they? Sometimes it feels easier if you don’t have to deal with human beings as they just generally throw a different spin into things that would ordinarily be straightforward.

Every time I get asked,’What’s the hardest part of your job’? my answer tends to be ‘interacting with certain people’.

As I shared in a previous blog, I do prefer to be alone and go out of my way to avoid people drama. A lot of people assume that I am an extrovert because I love interacting with people but I actually embrace solitude. I don’t view solitude as being by myself ‘ but ‘being alone with God’.

Most people leave or consider leaving shared spaces because of other people.

‘Why did you leave that church’? is often tied to an offence. ‘

‘Why did you leave the WhatsApp group?'(most people can relate to this one I guess LOL) is always due to one annoying poster.’

‘Why did you withdraw your child from that school’ is always linked to a broken relationship between either the parents and authorities or children.

Some children can’t even wait to leave home due to strained relationships with parents or even siblings.

We just tend to rub each other off the wrong way.

Human will & resilience can generally be built up to endure unpleasant environmental elements.However mix unpleasant elements and unpleasant human dynamics and the situation becomes very unbearable and harder to endure.

A submarine might feel claustrophobic but if your passion is being a underwater marine biologist you might endure the unfavourable elements to achieve your goals. Add in a nightmare boss or colleague and the ability/will to cope drastically reduces.

Human interactions are the trickiest, most complex things that we have to navigate in this world. Even moving from being an only child to having a sibling is not an easy transition for little children.Adding and mixing multiple humans into any situation just makes it tricky. Just look even the earliest instance of humans increasing & coexisting in scripture (Cain & Abel),that didn’t end very well did it?

It’s part of the symptoms of the fallen nature of man.

So yeah I get it when people think to themselves ‘you know what I think it’s just better being by myself’ or ‘doing it by myself’ or ‘ I will just seek God by myself’.Let me just spare myself all the wahala(Nigerian parlance for hassle).

I saw a meme once that said ‘Peopling is hard’ It sure is!

More and more people are rejecting the idea of ‘community’ and choose to do life preferably on their own and on their own terms.

Now I get the idea of doing life on your own terms.

The idea of doing it on your own,not so much.

The community I refer to in this instance is not just the geographical space e.g a collection of streets in a neighbourhood etc.

I think this community is also important but the ‘community’ in this instance is defined as the;

‘condition of sharing or having certain attitudes or interests in common’ .One can even say the geographical community have shared interests as they all live in the same space.

I think the increasingly digital world that we live in makes this a bit easier. People can interact and have access to millions of people from all over the world without leaving their bed.

You don’t have to go to a ‘physical church’ for a sermon.

You can have thousands of ‘friends’ that you have never seen.

You don’t even need to go to the bank(not been in an actual banking hall in years).

I was having a conversation with my colleague the other day about flexible working & working from home .She told me that she worked from home 3 days in a row the week before & because she lives alone she did not speak to an actual person for the whole of the 3 day period.

Just to be clear,I have nothing against online communities. I belong to several and my life has been enriched from being part of such platforms. I think it’s an excellent way to connect with people with similar interests who we would not have had the chance to meet a couple of years ago.

It’s made the world smaller,democratised the press,started revolutions and in its own way has been used as a force for good in the world.

But,there is a very good case for not giving up on community. And by this, I mean situations where we are in each other’s faces and not just talking via a screen.

In church,in school,in the organisations we work in, in the actual localities we live in etc .A lot of studies indicate that a sense of community is important to positive mental health. Being part of a community allows people have a sense of belonging and has been found to be one the key factors for humans finding fulfilment.

My ultimate role model is Jesus Christ. He was the son of God and had the wherewithal to do life by himself but he CHOSE not to.

Jesus got solitude,I mean he was away by himself for 40 days so it’s obvious he could do without humans interaction.

But he sought to build community and interact with humans in our messy flawed state.

He went to people’s houses( there are accounts of him being a guest and him hosting people) & generally liked being with people.He lived with his disciples & broke bread with them.

He even spent time with them after His resurrection even though he had been betrayed by one and was doubted by another. He could have just sent them the Holy Spirit but he knew they needed His comfort at that delicate time.

He didn’t need community but he knew that those communities needed him.

If we are to truly emulate Him,community must be something that we are willing to cultivate as uncomfortable as it might be. We must be willing to accept that we might get hurt but still do it anyway.

This girl here knows how hurtful communities can be.Besides I am very allergic to drama.I go out of my way to avoid it.I am that person who is not able to give you the ‘juicy details’ of a fight because I had probably tuned off.Even with all that, I still think trying to avoid drama is not a good reason to totally give up on interacting and being part of a community.

I know Nigerians in the Uk who go out of their way to avoid ‘the Nigerian community’.And you can’t really blame them anyone who has ever seen glimpses of the ‘cursing telenovelas’ on Facebook( you know the ones I am talking about don’t pretend)or even the drama on Nigerian twitter .They ‘boast’ about how they ‘don’t do Naija people’ but fail to understand that no matter what they still have Nigerian heritage.

Now I am not one to dictate who anyone chooses to associate with but I consider it short sighted to give up on a ‘whole community’ of people just because of some unsavoury ones. Of course explore friendships with people from other nationalities but there is also something about being in a community with people who get you.There are certain cultural nuances that only a Nigerian can truly get and sharing those moments are truly phenomenal.

Some people don’t go to any church at all because they have been hurt by people in churches in the past. No two ways about it ‘church people’ can be very mean. I have no problem with people leaving a church with which they fundamentally disagree regarding key doctrinal/scriptural issues. You can leave a church if you think the values or teachings are not what you align with.I often say I am not loyal to any denomination but to Christ himself.

So my point is not about leaving a ‘church’ which could be the building/denomination/group but neglecting to fellowship and nurture relationships with other believers in any form.

I know people use ‘do not forsake the gathering of the brethren’ to justify spiritual abuse however I do think there is a place for sharpening each other than can only take place within community.

I think we develop the fruits of the spirit through spending time with God but exercise the muscles by relating with others.

Being part of a community can be fun,encouraging,loving,a source of support in hard times,a good place to grow and where we can learn tolerance,empathy and kindness.

I remember how my church community was there when I had my daughter and my mum could not come over from Nigeria.

It was a very tricky time for me especially as I was newly married and new to the country. I know how a mum/toddler community I joined help me face my days when I was a stay at home mum with a toddler and baby in tow. I recall how study groups were such an integral part of studying in University and how it made learning such a well rounded experience for me.

Community in action can be such a beautiful thing to behold.

And because of all these ,I don’t see community as somewhere to draw from but also one to contribute to.

It shapes human interactions and how the world flourishes as a whole.I choose not to dwell on the negatives that comes from relating with others .Life itself is a risk so yes you might get hurt being part of a community .

But YOU, yes YOU have the answer to someone’s prayer.You are the mentor someone is waiting for to accomplish the purpose of God in their life.

On the flip side there might be a person in a community who will do the same for you.In rejecting community in totality,you might never meet them.

I know this might be unpopular but if no one ever hurts us how do we learn the power of forgiveness?

How do you know that you have kindness if there are no people to actually show the kindness to?

If you never have to receive help there is a high chance that you will not see the need to render help. Community fosters the sense of a common goal. And the world would be a better place if everyone played their part in nourishing flourishing communities.

There is a caveat though, and that is not all communities are meant for everyone.And yes some might not serve you well,you might have to leave but even at that please do not give up on it totally.

Have you given up on community?

I would ask that you give it a second chance,don’t give up yet,you never know what beautiful things that might be birth through you and for you within the tribe that you were called to serve and gain from.

We were created and called for community.

Thank you very much for reading and hope you have a lovely working week ahead.

Lots of love

Oyindamola

Quote Photo Credit- Pinterest